21st century violence against women

Months after the hoopla at the Grammy Awards, the ensuing accusations, denial, and rumored reconciliation which was much fodder for the international media, Chris Brown, has finally come out to publicly apologize for beating his then girlfriend, Rihanna.

Brown, unlike other R&B singers with an angsty gangster vibe, had a squeaky clean boy next door image. On the outside, he looked like someone a girl would take home to proudly present to her mother. Who knew that his still waters ran a much angrier bad boy?

I had a chat with Anna Leah Sarabia, founder of women’s group Kalakasan (Kababaihan Laban sa Karahasan) about Brown’s coming out. We talked about the statistics of girlfriend battery. One out of four women in dating relationships are possible victims of battery and abuse. And more importantly, we discussed how the Rihanna-Chris Brown case underscores the glaring fact that one can be a victim of battery and abuse at a young age; Rihanna and Chris Brown are both in their early twenties.

Girlfriend battery also goes and is perhaps more commonly known as the broader term “domestic violence.” The term somehow sets an imaginary boundary for the confines (of a marriage or a home) that violence should take place in.

“The Violence Against Women Act defines violence as between two people in a relationship. They may be just dating or living together. They don’t have to be married,” stresses Sarabia.

Sarabia, who has counseled countless women who have been victims of physical and emotional abuse, says that she sees a commonality among them.

“Love is based on one simple thing—respect. But many equate love to surrender, lose their self-respect in the process and allow many things like being controlled or spoken to in a bad way happen to them in the name of love,” says Sarabia.

“Once on the receiving end of abuse, the victim has one of two choices. She can either stay and repeat the cycle, or walk away from it. There is never any circumstance wherein a woman should stay in an abusive relationship, hoping that the guy will change. He will not. Not even marriage will change him. He will only get worse.”

Sarabia’s observations are consistent with studies that state that domestic violence is never a one-time occurrence. It increases in frequency and severity following a certain pattern called the Cycle of Violence. There are three stages in this cycle: the “tension building stage” where the abuser becomes angry and inflicts harm. This is followed by the “making up” where the abuser apologizes in an effort not to lose his partner; and the finally, “calm” where the abuser may give gifts to the victim and pretend that the abuse never happened.

There may be no abuse during the “calm” stage, but as the cycle is a repeated, petty arguments or misunderstandings again lead to the tension building stage and so on.

Brown’s public apology is characteristic of the “making up” stage and is met with much skepticism. Brown is said to have lost sponsorship deals, endorsements, not to mention, general favor in the public’s eye. Can an abuser ever change?

“Yes, they can change, but he needs to be away from victim to do it. If a woman stays, it is saying that she is consenting to the bad behavior. He can only get better with professional help,” Sarabia states.

In his video taped statement, which is addressed to his fans, Brown claims that he is seeking professional help and wants to do everything he can to make sure it will never ever happen again, including granting interviews and answering questions about the beating.

Fans can only wait and see if he will make good on this promise.

10 signs of a potential abuser

He says he loves you but . . .

1. . . . intentionally hurts you. If he hits your arm, kick you, pulls your hair, or breaks your favorite things even once, leave him.

2. . . . has a scary temper. If your boyfriend blows up or does dangerous things like driving away too fast because he is mad, or getting in fights with waiters, security guards, etc. Someday that temper could be turned to you.

3. . . . repeatedly puts you down. He says nobody would want you because you are too fat or too ugly and makes you constantly worry about the slightest mistakes.

4. . . . cuts you off from your friends. He doesn’t allow you to text or call your friends when you’re together. The only voice he wants you to listen to is his own.

5. . . . blames you for his anger. He says “it’s your fault” because of some mistake you made, something you did, you had it coming.

6. . . . swings back and forth from sweetest to mean and back again. The cycle starts when he is intentionally hurtful, but becomes sweet the next day . . . but only for a while. You keep hoping that this is the last cycle . . . but it never is.

7. . . . panics at the idea of breaking up. An abusive boyfriend usually breaks down and cries when you threaten to end a relationship. It is a tool they use to make girls emotional prisoners.

8. . . . makes unreasonable demands for your unconditional and undivided attention, and insists that you drop your hobbies, passions, (school) activities and work.

9. . . . is extremely jealous. An abusive boyfriend will check up on you and keep track of where you are and that you hang out with.

10. . . . will lash out at you. An abusive boyfriend will shame you or say cruel things about you, whether in private or in front of other people.

These are gender-less/unisex rules. There are some instances where the woman is the abuser. These potential rules still apply. -Ana Santos, Manila Times

This is a reminder from Kababaihan Laban sa Karahasan (Kalakasan) Foundation, Inc. For details, call 735-5555 or e-mail kalakasan@gmail.com.