What a US immigrant wants for Christmas

CALIFORNIA, United States—The Christmas season is a time for sharing but not for an immigrant elderly couple in California. Having endured more than three decades of abuse from her husband, Rosa finally made a decision this Christmas to leave their conjugal home.

US immigration law has provisions that protect the immigrant spouse from being a victim of domestic violence.

We rarely hear of US citizens as victims because most immigrant stories are concerned with abuses on immigrant spouses. While not common, there are also US citizens who fall victims to the immigrant spouses they petition. Having petitioned their spouses because of love and with the intention to marry, some US citizen petitioners also become victims when their immigrant spouses behave in ways that indicate their real motive is just to obtain a green card.

Rosa’s parents were one of the first Filipino immigrants in Hawaii in the early 1900s. She was born in the United States but her family returned to the Philippines when she was five years old. She grew up and was educated in Manila.

Rosa returned to the US in the late 1970s when she accepted a job offer from a hospital in New York. During one of her few visits in Manila, Rosa met Ricardo who was 10 years younger than her. After a brief courtship, they got married. She petitioned Ricardo who then arrived in the US as a green card holder and they have lived together as a couple for the last 30 years in southern California.

A few weeks after Ricardo arrived in the US, Rosa noticed the change in her husband’s character. He became manipulative and would easily get angry when he did not get things done his way. Moreover, the couple never had any children as Rosa was not biologically capable of conceiving. Despite their relationship difficulties, Rosa loved Ricardo and did everything to make their relationship work.

For many years, Rosa endured the harsh treatment she got from Ricardo for fear that he would leave her. She surrendered everything to him, including the power to decide on their financial affairs. Rosa was forced to retire early and stay home to attend to the household while Ricardo continued working.

The cycle of abuse

Ricardo cursed and yelled at Rosa for little things such as the failure of Rosa to obtain an item from the grocery. She got humiliated whenever household chores were not accomplished on time. At one instance, Rosa raised her voice and in retaliation, Ricardo grabbed a knife and threatened to harm her with it. While she was not physically hurt in that incident, Rosa remained fearful because of his violent threats. These threats happened several times.

After every screaming encounter, Ricardo would calm down and try to make it up by showering Rosa with expensive gifts or travels. When matters had settled down after a certain period, Ricardo would go back to his abusive ways again.

Rosa tried many times to leave Ricardo. She even went to court for a restraining order and stayed in a friend’s house for a month. But every time she left, Ricardo was able to win her back. She would return home and live with him again. Ricardo oftentimes contacted their religious ministers and counselors to talk to Rosa about not leaving him and how they should remain together as a couple. Despite great difficulty and reluctance on her part, Rosa would eventually bow to the pressure from their religious elders and always gave the relationship with Ricardo another try.

Rosa, who turned 80 years old this year, finally made a determined decision to leave Ricardo. Last month, she went to her doctor for treatment, but never returned home. With the help of her physician, she was able to reside in an elderly care home.

Ricardo was very upset with Rosa’s decision to leave. She now has a court order restraining Ricardo from going to see her at the care center.

It took many years for Rosa to make this final decision to leave. She gave her husband many chances to change. Rosa now regrets having married him. Despite living together all these years, Rosa keeps telling everyone that she was just used by Ricardo to get the green card. The process of petitioning took place several decades ago, but Rosa has not gotten over it.

An ordinary day

The elderly care home center where Rosa now resides is filled with Christmas spirit and festive decorations that indicate holiday cheers. Children and grandchildren visit the residents of the care home every week. Rosa, however, remains mostly alone without any guests, except for a few friends who visit now and then. Nevertheless, she says that she is filled with peace in her heart.

Christmas connotes joyful celebration and sharing with loved ones. For Rosa, she had loved her husband more than herself. But this time, she feels exhausted, she said, and had to make this decision to be “left alone,” even if this meant that this might be a “lonely” Christmas for her.

Just when most people plan on having reunions with family this holiday season, we should be aware that there are also individuals who may decide to stay away—like Rosa.

Prior to learning about Rosa’s case, we had always looked at retirement homes negatively for Filipino seniors. We had always thought that retirement in the Philippines surrounded by relatives and friends would be better than living alone in an elderly care home here in the US.

But then we realized that it is a matter of perspective. Each of us comes from different backgrounds and experiences and we have no right to judge others on how they decide to spend their retirement years, much less impose our standards of Christmas on them.

For Rosa, being in the residential care home is her “haven” away from an abusive spouse. She does not care that she has to give up the comfort of her own home or the retirement savings that are in the possession of her husband. She is already in advanced age and feels exhausted. After so many years of being in an abusive relationship, all she wishes for is solitude. Rosa finally garnered enough courage to change—she wants to be left alone. Let her be.

Tancinco may be reached at law@tancinco.com or at 8877177.  –Lourdes Santos Tancinco, Philippine Daily Inquirer