Battered women and abusive men (Two of five parts)

Why do men beat their wives? Why would a man tell a woman that he loves her and then proceed to beat her?

You might say that he really doesn’t love her. Perhaps you’re correct. If he does love her, it surely isn’t in the traditional sense of the word. You don’t hit the woman you love, and you surely don’t do so on a regular basis. The other day, I spoke to one such man. I asked him to estimate how many times he inflected any kind of physical pain on his wife. He thought for a while, then, based on how often he would hit her weekly, he came up with a number: 550 to 600 times! Still, he insisted that he loves her and did what he did “for her own good.”

His attitude is consistent with other wife beaters. He is a very controlling man. His wife, who is a very competent professional, is not allowed to wear makeup. Nor is she allowed to wear a dress.

Pants only because he worries that men might get “turned on” by her and he wants to prevent that at all costs. He claims he knows what’s best for her. He says he is her protector and that is why he always wants to know where she is, and what she is doing and with whom.

He accepts that he’s very jealous and possessive, but that he is such because he doesn’t trust guys who will make a pass at her.

The truth is, however, that he doesn’t trust her either. He suspects that she will fool around even if over the years there has been no evidence, no talk even about her doing so. His fear of men abusing her is a smoke screen, a feeble excuse to better control her.

The truth emerged when he finally admitted that he was afraid that she would leave him for a better man. He is an alcoholic, a womanizer who is and has been insensitive to her for years. He fully realizes that she is an attractive woman who could easily find a better man than him… and that bothers him to the point of near paranoia.

Therefore, terror is a tactic he uses to keep her from leaving him. His violence, his threats and his verbal abuse are ways to demean and devalue her to the point where she believes he is the only man who can love her. In effect, he is more a jail guard than a partner! –BOB GARON, Manila Times

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