Battered women and abusive men (Four of five parts)

If you are a battered woman, you are living on a roller coaster of feelings. Your man is predictable in his unpredictability. He can swing from happy, sweet moments to explosive violence at the drop of a hat. You never know what he will do, how he will interpret a word or an action of yours.

But studies have shown that there is a distinct pattern of behavior in the way that the abusive spouse gets into violence.

First, there is what is called the “tension-building phase.” The abuser may be increasingly moody, irritated or withdrawn. He may threaten you, use abusive language and even break things. This when you try to do anything and everything to keep him calm. You avoid confrontation. You try to give him what he wants to keep him from exploding.

But it doesn’t work. He becomes violent (second phase). This is the shortest phase. He hits and hurts, sometimes with an intensity that is truly frightening. He might even point a gun at you and threaten to kill you. You are frozen in fear.

Then comes the third phase. Now he apologizes and tries to make amends. He might even cry and tell you that he “lost it” and never meant to hurt you. This, even if it has happened so many times before.

He makes promises that you want to believe he will keep, but then he has done this before so many times that you cannot help but doubt him. He promises not to do it again and perhaps even to seek treatment but never does. He might give you gifts as he tries to make up. You are relieved that this episode is all over, but you know that it will happen again. Still, you enjoy the peace at least for the moment. It’s what I call the “crumbs,” those good feelings that are few and far between.

I work with wife beaters and I can share with you what they have told me about this reconciliation phase. It’s not a matter of surrendering their control over you. In fact, they have confessed to me that it is a form of manipulation. And for those who have been victimized for years, the three phases have become more like a ritual rather than a time of real change.

The abusive man is not an idiot.  He is very calculating in all that he does. It is always about control and maintaining power over you. The fact that the cycle of 1) intension, 2) violence, and 3) reconciliation is repeated over and over again should tell you that you are locked into a ritual that serves the abuser well by keeping you firmly under his control. –Bob Garon, Manila Times

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