Annulled and void: After the love is gone

MANILA, Philippines – This is definitely not a love story.

We all want our happy ever after, don’t we? When we were in high school, we would swoon over our celebrity crushes, dress up nice during soirees, feel good when our prom dates turn out to be handsome young men who treat us like princesses. Between high school and college would be our crucial love stories  first love, first boyfriend (not necessarily one and the same), first heartbreak, next boyfriend/s, next heartbreak/s, then finally The One. Or so we thought.

No one really tells you it is quite ridiculous to marry a year after finishing college, with a possibly good Wall Street career, which you stupidly leave because of love. No one slaps you in the face and says wake up girl, there’s still a lot more to experience in life. No one reminds you that you were an Iskolar ng Bayan so that you can be an asset to the Bayan, not just a statistic of women who marry right after graduation.

But I admit I am one of those (perhaps many) Filipino women who thought it was the right thing to do  marry after college, have a family, and have my happy ever after. I did work first though, for a year, in America, and then decided to come back, get married, bring the hubby to the US, have children. We were a normal two-income family, blended with the East Coast rushing crowd walking to work, slump on our beds tired after a back-breaking five-day work week, then enjoy the weekend by doing laundry, cleaning the house, playing with the kids, and saving up for vacations to the Philippines.

Unfortunately, the union did not last. A few years after deciding to come back and establish our own business here in our home country, both of us realized it was for the best that we seek a civil annulment.

There were lawyers involved, a psychological evaluation on both of us, countless meetings, court hearings, emotional pleadings from our parents, shocked reactions from friends, but it was a necessary step towards our own healing. After many years of waiting, the court granted a civil annulment in 2007.

The legal process involved during and after the filing of annulment was quite an experience for me, and hopefully sharing it here would help those going through the same thing, or deciding if they should or should not go through it.

There is this common notion that filing for annulment is expensive. Only those who can afford can get out of a “bad” marriage, and those who cannot afford it will just be stuck in the marriage. Unfortunately, it is true. Even with my own business at that time, it was not easy to cough up the payments needed.

As I was the one who filed for annulment, I was the one expected to pay for it. The psychological evaluation was done early on and was paid for by the ex. That alone cost a lot  something like 40k, which will tell you that either or both are psychologically incapacitated, an acceptable grounds for annulment. The civil annulment, which is different from legal separation (where the couple divides their properties but may NOT remarry), voids the civil marriage and allows both parties to remarry in civil ceremonies. Cost for this is more than thrice the psychological evaluation. Ouch!

Family courts are the ones who handle civil annulment cases. File it where you or your spouse live. If there is more than one Family Court Judge, they would have to raffle your case. It will help that you get a good and caring lawyer, one who LISTENS to you and makes sure you get a fair settlement. Your lawyer may also end up as your unofficial therapist as he/she will have to hear you rattle on about your sad and sob stories and assure you that all will be well.

The Office of the Solicitor General (OSG) is tasked to TRY to convince the couple not to go through the civil annulment. Being a predominantly Catholic country and believing in the sanctity of marriage, that is their job. They will make sure that the couple has exhausted all means to make the marriage work  go through counseling, couples’ retreats, and therapies. They bide time to make the couple reconsider and hope that they will realize that maybe giving it another try will work.

Despite the exorbitant costs involved, couples are not necessarily guaranteed an annulment. And it may take years  in my case, almost four  to get a favorable ruling. And then if you decide you also want to re-marry in church, a church annulment will be a separate and another expensive process. Goodbye, savings!

When I got the notice through the mail that my civil annulment has been granted, it was with a big sigh of relief. It was really bittersweet  back to square one, financially, emotionally, personally. It was not cause for celebration, it was time for discernment.

Of course, I did not know that it was only the beginning of another round of difficulty that I would encounter.

The difficulty of changing my name in official documents, was, to me, a lesson in patience. I have been using my married name for the past 20 years and naturally, I wanted my documents to be reverted to my single name. Besides, that’s what the court ordered: that I was not to use my ex-husband’s name anymore. Fine.

First stop was my bank, where I have been a loyal customer since I was a teenager.   When I informed the manager that I wanted to change my name from married to single as I had recently been annulled, she asked for proof; in other words, she wanted to see my annulment papers. Mind you, those papers are this thick and it is not a welcome sight. I don’t know if other countries do that, but this particular country chooses to write in detail, the timeline of events leading to the psychological incapacity. And it is only towards the end of the document (last paragraph really) that says that the marriage has been annulled and ordering me not to use my married name anymore.

I was just incredulously surprised that they would ask such document as proof of change of status. I wondered if I had been single and then go there after getting married and tell them I want my name changed in my account from single to married, will they also ask for my marriage certificate as proof? I don’t think so. They might even chitchat with me and say, oh how nice mam, congratulations. No questions or documents asked.

At that time, I was already on my more than fifth year of teaching, and then was hired by a university in the Public Affairs office. Being in an administrative position, and working full time, I needed to submit supporting documents, including my Civil Service certificate which showed my still-married name, along with my other documents  BIR, SSS, Pag-Ibig.

All those identification cards were apparently void. Not only am I now annulled, I also seem to be void.

Although I had indicated to Human Resources that I have been annulled (yes, they asked for my annulment papers and yes, I gave them a copy), I was hoping that they would understand why my official identification papers and other documents still showed my married name.

A few weeks after I submitted these documents, I was told that the Civil Service Commission office had written them indicating that I am not that person on the certificate. Impostor?! Of course, I had to make a written letter explaining the “discrepancy.”

The burden of proving to agencies and offices that I am one and the same person was solely on me. I always had to have my passport  still carrying my married name but with my maiden name clearly there, to show as proof  photo, name/s, birth date.

It was tiring, it was frustrating, and, to me, I thought it was unfair. If men were annulled, would they go through the same thing I was going through? Is our legal system pertaining to annulment rules not necessarily woman-friendly?

So what did I learn from that whole exasperating exercise?

Apparently, it is legally accepted here for married women to: 1) retain their single name; 2) hyphenate their single-married name; or, 3) drop their single name and use their married name.

I am sure you marry for love, hence you want to use your husband’s name, proudly. I say go ahead, but in official documents, it is wise that your single name is always included. Not only does it give tribute to your father, it will also avoid possible problems arising in the future. This is a “just-in-case-it-happens” issue here  I am sure your love and union, will last. (This being the love month, I will not even touch on skeptic love.)

Or, as I just recently read in yahoo, some American men now carry their married wife’s name  what a breakthrough that is! I don’t think though that Filipino men will be willing to do that. I will gladly shake the hand of the first Pinoy who carries his wife’s name instead of the wife carrying his name. That, to me, is a real man. Aside from wearing pink.

Anyway, in (the worst) case that your marriage is annulled and you have been using your (ex) husband’s name, inform the government agencies of your change of status and have that change of name. If they ask for proof, proudly bring out your annulment papers and shove it to their face. OK, don’t shove them to their face. They may kick you out and you will be stuck with your ex-husband’s name, which the court has specifically ordered you to drop.

Passport change. That is necessary, too. I just got mine changed, and they need all those documents including the cancelled marriage certificate from NSO  which I did not know I had to secure after the annulment was granted. The cancelled marriage certificate from NSO basically states that the marriage never happened. Void.

Lastly, although it may not be easy, do not fight with your ex. There really is no point in staying angry. Forgive. Let all the heartaches and bitterness go. I am not saying be friends with your ex. No need. Just do not be enemies with him. Eventually, you will be glad you have made peace. Believe me.

For those deciding if this is the next step for them, think things through. Talk to the right people. These will be your support system  lawyers, priests, pastors, friends, family. It will be financially exhausting and emotionally draining, and it should be the last option. I do not advocate it, but I fully support it. I am hoping, though, that annulments, both civil and church, be more affordable, and that the legal system will be more annulment-friendly to those needing it. Including banks. –Gina D. Lumauig (The Philippine Star)