How to take care of your aging parents without sacrificing yourself

By MAITA DE JESUS, LA, GMA News, Aug 21, 2019

It all started when Rach’s dad suffered a heart attack in 2013. He managed to recover in a few months, but things took a turn for the worse in 2016. For two years, he was in and out of the hospital due to his heart condition, which led to his demise by November of 2018.

And throughout that time, Rach was one of her dad’s primary carers. “When my dad needed special care, there was no formal discussion on who was going to take responsibility. I decided to step in because my mom is very emotional and that could take a toll on her decision making, and my siblings were not in a position to take the responsibility.”

For Marj, it was the passing of her father than brought her to take care of her mom. “I knew she needed the support and she can only get that from me and my siblings,” she says, “We will get tired at some point, but remembering how she took good care of us is already a good reason for us to take care of her.”

Family is Forever

These stories are common among Filipino families. With our strong “utang na loob” culture, paired with our deep respect for our elders, some parents expect their children to take care of them.

According to Dr. Raphael Inocencio, Managing Partner and Consultant Psychologist at Better Steps Psychology, it might be a Filipino thing. “We don’t see this phenomenon so much in other cultures or even in a lot of expats who have decided to settle here… It can also be a source of pride for the adult-child to be able to care for their parents and to show how well they’ve done for themselves – this could be a secondary reason why this is done.”

Life Coach Myke Celis of #bestmeever says, “We were brought up that way, because it’s our way of giving back and showing respect and love to our parents who supported us while growing up. The measure of one’s character includes how one has taken care of his or her family.”

But Coach Myke says that Filipino society is slowly changing. “It is quite interesting to know that parents are giving their kids more room for growth to adjust fully to the behavior of their millennial children. Although Gen X parents are still very much optimistic, and idealistic, that someday their children will take care of them.”

Struggles in Selflessness

Rach mentions that she made many sacrifices due to her father’s failing health. “I really felt like part of the reason why they had kids was so someone would take care of them. We were their retirement plan. I love them, but I feel resentment of this. I had to quit my job, give them a portion of my salary, and couldn’t leave the country because no one will be here for my mom if I leave.”

For Marj, her relationship with her mom is what keeps her going. “I will not deny that there are parts of my life that I needed to give up for me to be able to have a great relationship with my mom, but remembering why I did that, it makes it worth it.”

Dr. Inocencio warns that while it is admirable to take care of one’s parents, they should never forget their other obligations.

“They should take into account how much they can afford to take care of their parents, not only with material things but also with time and emotional resources. It is very possible for adult children who may not have enough resources to feel pressured and to have problems if the parents ‘obligate’ them to contribute what they don’t have,” he said.

The inner struggle is real—how do you take care of your elderly parents, without sacrificing yourself along the way?

Urge your parents to prepare for the end

Another term that is used in Filipino culture is becoming a “pabigat”—an imposition to others. Rach feels that she wouldn’t have needed to sacrifice so much of her time and finances if her family had health insurance. “We had a very difficult time with the finances. I suggest saving and investing early. It’s important to have an emergency fund!” Rach adds.

Encourage a healthier lifestyle

No one is a fan of heading to the doctor’s office or getting tests, but prevention is always better than the cure, as they say. Whatever age your parents are right now, regular checkups and early detection of any conditions can save your family thousands of pesos, not to mention a lot of heartbreak. Having a healthy diet and regular exercise would greatly help in your parents aging well.

Take care of yourself

Easier said than done, but taking care of yourself doesn’t need to be extravagant or take up too much time. Eat well, get some rest, and give yourself what you need.

“Just do an activity that gives you peace of mind,” Rach says, “You just have to keep feeding love and strength to your heart and mind, so that you can keep on going.”

Coach Myke says that time management is key. “It’s not selfish to give time for yourself to pursue what you want, so you can become what you still want to be—schedule wisely.”

Ask for help

Being their child doesn’t necessarily make you the most qualified to take care of your parent, especially when there is special care involved. Reach out to other family members for help. Talk with them about the possibility of hiring a caregiver, or someone who you can tag team with.

Coach Myke suggests that if you feel overwhelmed, life coaching could be of great help. “If you are overwhelmed with the whole situation or your relationship with your parents are blurred, consider getting a life coach to help you align yourself, your goals and your relationships as you gain clarity of the whole situation.”

Involve your parents in your goals

Coach Myke believes that a win-win situation can be achieved when you fit your parents into the life that you are creating. “Talk to your parents. Share your dreams and your plans for them. Involve them still in your life, so that in the long run, they will be prepared and not get caught off guard.”

Dr. Inocencio chimes in, saying, “Don’t feel bad if you cannot give your parents ‘the life they deserve’, because let’s face it, who can do this especially when you’re early in your career?”

Remind your parents about your own life

Talking to your parents about the extent of what you’re capable of doing to take care of them may seem hard or harsh, but it may be necessary.

Dr. Inocencio says, “Parents also have to remember that their children are not born into the world to serve them, that expecting children to do so could result in them depriving their children the autonomy to be able to live fulfilling adult lives – something that the parents probably had. Remember that yes, they’re your parents, and at one point, they were the adults, but right now, you are an adult just like them and so you must make your voice heard and hear them out at the same time.”

Act from love, not obligation

It’s automatic for children to take up the mantle and take care of their parents, simply because we love them. But admittedly, the stress and sacrifices that come with it might make you forget why you’re doing it in the first place. Coach Myke says, “Come from a space of love and understanding. Remember, your parents didn’t complain while raising you.” Marj adds, “Remember whose you are. Honor and acknowledge what they’ve done for you.” —