What women say about domestic violence

‘We project to people our own view of ourselves’

HERE ARE the views of prominent women about a man who beats up his wife, girlfriend or partner and how a battered woman can regain her self-esteem.

There is a law – R.A. 9296 Violence Against Women and Children. Recently, President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo signed the Magna Carta for Women. So, what do you call a person who violates the law? The answer is so obvious.

Battered women who want to recover their self-esteem should invoke RA, 9296 even if our justice system is slow and at times exasperating. That law was passed to protect us.—Gemma Cruz Araneta, former Tourism Secretary, writer and beauty queen

While growing up, one of the things my father taught my brothers was that they should never ever hit a woman. No amount of anger could justify hitting a woman. This was etched in their minds and hearts at a very early age. And his daughters were also taught that we should never take any abuse from a man. And he taught by example. But not all children are as lucky.

A man who beats up his wife or partner is a sick man. Medically speaking, he is quite often psychologically infirm. While society can also contribute to the practice and acceptance of this terrible behavior, psychological factors very often play an important role. These men often suffer from low self-esteem. And beating up their spouse, girlfriend or partner is one way that helps them feel more important, more powerful, less “small.” This holds true not just for men who physically abuse their partners. The same holds true for men who engage in emotional cruelty and sexual abuse.

Battered women have a difficult road ahead to regain their self-esteem and prevent themselves from going back to the behavioral patterns that made the battering possible. Very important is psychological and spiritual counseling, because even if the woman is battered, and her mind knows that she must leave the man to preserve her life and sanity, the act of liberating herself from the man can bring about so much guilt, and it is easy to be drawn back into the cycle of abuse. This is especially so if society condones the abuse. The psychological and spiritual counseling can also help her to confront her own demons… A woman recovering from an abusive relationship must have the love and support of family and friend.—Dr. Minguita Padilla, ophthalmologist, president and chair, Eye Bank Foundation of the Philippines

A man is never justified in beating any woman. It is not just about his inability to control rage, although that may be a factor. More importantly, it is a symptom of a broader societal malaise that nurtures violence and accepts the subjugation of women to men. He is a product of a macho culture that accepts this behavior and even emulates it. It is a criminal behavior that should never be condoned by friends, relatives, and neighbors.

A battered woman should build a support group around her. She needs reassurance that there are people around her who love and care for her and that she can survive outside the abusive relationship. She should also seek professional counseling. Often, battered women are trapped in a cycle of violence where they often justify the behavior of their abusive partners and end up going back in their arms only to be abused again. She has to realize that any form of violence on her is never justified. —Ingrid Gorre, lawyer

I think it is primitive and barbaric to resort to violence. Men who beat up their spouses or partners simply don’t know how to deal with their emotions in a civilized way. They feel their acts are justified because of their twisted values, lack of respect for women and their elevated view of themselves. Women can avoid getting abused by empowering themselves. I’ve always believed that we project to people our own view of ourselves, so it is important to have uncompromising self-respect. It’s strange, though, how some people seem to be drawn to abusive relationships, as if they feel being good means getting stepped on. I call it the “Flor de Luna mentality,” brought forth by a culture immersed in telenovelas and drama on radio. Emotional and financial independence is also necessary. Women who have experienced abuse must take responsibility for themselves. Love of oneself is the basic principle. —Patrice Diaz, fashion designer

I think that violence at home, or between intimate partners, is as abhorrent as violence of any kind. It destroys not only the trust and love between partners, it also kills the human spirit. And while physical bruises may heal, the deeper scars and damage is inflicted to the psyche and to the soul. First of all, I think women who have been physically abused should realize that they are not powerless and that they can do something to get out of it. I think reclaiming one’s own power to change a situation, however hopeless it may seem, is the most important first step to take in rebuilding one’s self-esteem. Instead of blaming, or looking for excuses, facing the situation head on and deciding things are going to change is already a turning point and heading in the right direction. –Rowena C. Burgos, Philippine Daily Inquirer