On keeping a marriage

There are, perhaps, millions who marry around the world every day. Yet, perhaps, too, half as many married couples separate or get estranged from each other every day. What accounts for the break up of marriages? How do couples who are so in love on their wedding day end up hating each other?

These questions have been playing in my mind lately as my husband and I are about to enter into a milestone in our married life. A daughter of ours is getting married, the first one to tie the knot among our four offspring. And while many little details need attention at this time, to make sure that the wedding and the reception flow without snags, I simply cannot get my mind off what lies ahead for my daughter and her soon-to-be husband.

It is not because I doubt the love they have for one another. They have been “steadies” since their high school days. I have seen them break up and reconcile in their 11-year-old relationship. My daughter is now a lawyer while her fiancé is an animator and a teacher in a distinguished university. I guess my jitters spring from every mother’s desire to make sure that her children who plunge into marriage will live happily ever after, the way most fairy tales end.

I think every mother whose own marriage endured must have a nagging desire to pass on certain tips and secrets in creating a happy and enduring marriage. But can lessons on marriage be taught as one teaches in a classroom? Unfortunately, no.

Every marriage—without exception—after all, will face a slew of problems of its own. No two marriages are ever the same as no two persons are ever the same. Triggers for fights and quarrels may range from financial pressures to infidelity, from personality differences to verbal put-downs, from irresponsibility by one partner to insensitivity, from a lack of capacity to understand to diminishing affection and passionate love.

What most newly married couples do not expect is that the warm and heart-pounding excitement of being in love disappears in time. And, it is not because they have fallen out of love. Rather, it is because they have become comfortable with each other and the mystery and excitement over the unknown has waned.

I think I am particularly more anxious because I have handled far too many cases of individuals seeking legal assistance to get their marriages annulled or declared void. And though I should look at every new case as a job to work on, each time that a client comes to me, I feel regret and pity. When I see that there is hope to mend a marriage, I prod them to see a counselor or, at least, let time pass to give them a breathing room to heal and process their feelings.

Each story has its own version of what went wrong. Yet some common threads connect and weave them together creating a big picture. The big picture shows that the most common pitfall leading to the break- up of marriages is absence of genuine communication. Many couples do not talk to each other often enough when they should be sharing with each other every thing and anything. When they are displeased about something the other did, very often, they clam up and give the other a cold shoulder for days. Very often, the other will react in much the same way or, become so provoked as to react with violence just to get the other to speak up. When couples clam up and not say what is on their minds or what they feel, a gap between them grows. Ill feelings toward each other build up until the tension reaches a breaking point. But when couples communicate and talk to each other often enough as friends do, they get to know and appreciate each other’s good points and strengths; pet peeves and weaknesses; dreams and desires. When they share their little secrets—even those as seemingly unimportant as having had a disagreement with a co-worker, or having been embarrassed because the boss scolded him—empathy develops and trust begins to build up. Distrust and suspicions generally creep in only when one is uncertain about how one’s spouse thinks; the company he hangs around with; and what his values are.

One other pitfall in marriage is when couples do not spend enough time with each other. Couples who do activities together and enjoy time away from the routine and drudgery of both work and household chores have better chances at building a bond and friendship that will make their marriage endure. Yet, each one must be allowed enough time away from the other so that each will blossom as his or her person. A spouse should be allowed time with friends, time to do things he enjoys doing including building a career of his own, or advancing advocacies he spouses. That will ensure that each of them will remain interesting and worthy of the other’s continuing respect. When one suffocates one’s partner, he suffocates the love between them and will soon sow resentment and a desire to run away.

There are many other things a mother, like me, wishes to say to a daughter who is about to embark on a lifetime commitment. I could go on and on, spewing one advice after another. Yet, I do not expect to be able to make an impact at this time. A person learns best, after all, from experience, not from being told how to run his marriage and his life. But if my daughter and her soon-to-be husband will care to remember just one thing, I wish it will be that separating and breaking away should never be among their options on their table. –Rita Linda V. Jimeno, Manila Times

E-mail: ritalindaj@gmail.com Visit: www.jimenolaw.com.ph